Transcript

Nichole: From Darkness to Light (Part 1)
Season 1: Episode 13

Carol: 0:10

Welcome to the God is Good Podcast, where we share stories of everyday people who have reignited their faith in Jesus and experienced remarkable life transformations. My name is Carol O'Brien, and I'm your host for this podcast. Before we begin today's episode, I want to share with you that this is a heavier episode than we've done in the past. It's a beautiful journey to the Lord, but it does include topics that may be hard for some listeners to hear. Because of its intensity, we've broken it into two parts. Please listen at your own discretion."Trust in the Lord with all your heart. On your own intelligence, do not rely. In all your ways, be mindful of him and he will make straight your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6. This is a popular scripture among our storytellers for good reason. It reminds us to cling to God in all aspects of our life. And when we do so, he'll hold us in the palm of his hand and guide us on the paths that are truly the right ones for us. For Nichole, our newest storyteller, these verses are a lifeline. Nichole's life was filled with hardship marked by abuse and neglect. Growing up under her father's fascination with the occult and horrific abuse, she felt lost and lacked strong guidance. Drawn to the same practices in an attempt to find understanding, she realized almost immediately she was inviting unwanted experiences into her life. Her struggles left visible, emotional, spiritual, and mental scars. Her road back to God was long, but a dramatic, unexpected experience marked a profound healing. Now, Nichole shares her story with others to teach them how to fully surrender to God, heal from trauma, and gain freedom from the evil that torments them. She even began a new ministry, Fullness of Joy, and has written multiple books. Please join me in welcoming Nichole to the podcast as we walk with her on her journey in this two part episode. Welcome, Nichole! Let's go ahead and get into your story. I know it's going to be a difficult one, but let's start with your faith foundation. Did you have a strong spiritual foundation and how did you view God?

Nichole: 2:44

My mom did not give her heart to the Lord until I was around 16, 15, 16. But my grandparents, her mom and dad, they were always in church. They were very faithful. So I did go to church with them some. I had an understanding of the Lord, who he was. I had more of a vision of him as a demanding God. Very punitive. And if you stepped outside the line, he was gonna beat you upside the head. I didn't really understand him or his character, so I did not have a relationship with him, and I only had a skewed view of who he was.

Carol: 3:17

Oh, that's interesting. I know that sometimes our perception of God is related to how we perceive our parents, especially our fathers. Is that something that's true for you?

Nichole: 3:29

I never really thought about what you're asking, what shaped my view of God? I had a really hard time trusting him because I did not have a trustworthy biological father, and I think that's where that played more into it. I think it was more my family was very legalistic. It was more about the do's and don'ts. So I think that's what kind of guided my idea of God, like that there was a set of rules and if you follow those rules, you were in God's favor. And if you stepped outside of those rules, then you were in big trouble. Where my relationship with my biological dad interfered with my relationship with God was actually after I gave my heart to the Lord.

Carol: 4:08

I know you had some challenging childhood relationships and some that were strong. Let's start with your mom. What was your relationship like with her?

Nichole: 4:17

I loved my mom and I was close to her, but, I don't remember a lot of my young years, so it's hard to say what that looked like. My mom got married when she was really young. She went straight from her parents' house as a teenager. I think she was 17 when she got married, and my biological dad abused her from the get go. He was very violent. And when she broke free from that marriage, I think she felt free for the first time in her life. So when I was young, she dated a lot. She went out a lot. She worked a lot. Sometimes she worked two jobs. My grandma helped raise me and when I was 12, my mom remarried and she's married to my stepdad. Now they've been married for 30 plus years. And what I've seen in that marriage was her creating the life that she always wanted. And she had my brother, and they had a very good family, the three of them. And from a 12 year old's perspective, I was on the outside looking in, so I got to watch my mom be the mom to my brother that I would've loved to have had. And that created a lot of bitterness and a lot of anger because I never felt like that that was the mom that I had. That was not the life that I was raised with. And instead of embracing it and becoming part of it, I always felt like I was outside of it because I was damaged and I couldn't fit into their family. And I only brought grief and rebellion and strife, and so that created a lot of division. As an adult, we've mended our relationship a lot and we are in a much, much better place now. But as a kid, there was a lot of pain and a lot of hurt.

Carol: 5:56

So it sounds like your relationship with your mom was good, but there was also some yearning there, something not quite complete for you. How was your relationship with your biological father?

Nichole: 6:08

I don't have any good memories of my biological dad. From the time I can remember, I just feared him and his anger and his wrath, and I did not have a good relationship with him at all. It was a relationship of fear. It was fear based. I don't have any memories of him ever playing with toys with me or... I just don't have any good memories of him. He was the type of person that was very narcissistic. If you were in his life, it was for what you could do for him. He was violent. He never physically that I can remember hit me but he sexually abused me. I was scared of him. He was also involved in the occult and witchcraft, and so that brought a whole'nother level of fear. He manipulated me saying that he could read my mind when I was a child, and as a small child, I believed that. So it was ingrained in me to fear him. He's deceased now, and up until the time of his death, even when he was bedbound, I remember just being afraid of him.

Carol: 7:08

So there's a lot there. Let's start with one thing. How old were you when you remember your father being involved in the occult?

Nichole: 7:21

My mom and biological dad got divorced when I was around three, three or four. He lived in Florida with his mom and dad, and she moved back to Indiana with her family and me, and he was granted visitation in the summer and every other Christmas. I can remember around the age of seven visiting. And that was when I met his new wife. So it would've had to have been from the previous summer to that summer that they got involved in the occult and witchcraft I don't know who introduced who. I don't know about that part, but I was around seven.

Carol: 7:54

And were these practices something that they brought you into as well?

Nichole: 7:58

Yes, there was ritualistic abuse, there was sexual abuse, there was blood rituals, there was killing of animals. I still don't have all of the memories. I may never, I've given that to God and I've told him if he wants them to come back, I'll walk through it with him. And if he doesn't then I'm okay with that. But I can just remember the house would be decorated. Even the wall hangings, the pictures on the wall would be wizards, dragons. It was just a very dark home. And my biological dad would sit at the kitchen table and he would make jewelry with crystals because he said that's what gave him power. And I remember him having get togethers in the backyard and doing bonfires and just talking about all this power that he had. So it was never a hidden thing. It was something that he was very, very open about and operated in.

Carol: 8:45

I know you mentioned you were only with your biological father for part of the year. Do you recall sharing anything that was happening at his house when you returned to your mom's house?

Nichole: 8:57

My biological dad ingrained in me that he could read my mind and if I even thought bad thoughts about him, he would kill me and my mom. So from the time he told me that, I never told anything, I never let anything slip, because I believe that he would know. So I can remember being back in Indiana and just telling myself,"Don't think bad thoughts. Don't think bad thoughts," because I thought even if I thought anything bad about him, that he would kill me and my mom, and I had no doubt that he would do that.

Carol: 9:25

So wanting to be really sensitive about this, Um, let's turn to the abuse. How old were you when it happened and how did it eventually stop?

Nichole: 9:38

So I know for sure it was from the ages of seven to nine. I do have a little bit of memories that it may have even started before my mom and biological dad got divorced, maybe when I was younger. I don't know that for sure. I also don't know 100% sure that it stopped at age nine, but I know it didn't continue past the age of 12. The way I got out of it had to have been God's mercy and God's grace because people don't just stop like pedophiles and abusers don't just stop. When he was abusing me, he had his own home and he was married and he had his own space. Once he moved back in with his mom and dad, I think it was because he didn't have access to me in that way anymore. And he kind of transitioned into outlets online that consumed his time and his mind. And so thankfully it kind of diverted away from me. I think he just didn't have access.

Carol: 10:32

There was a question I wanted to go back to and ask about the occult. You had exposure to it and combined with the abuse. I'm going to ask this as gently as I can. Did you experiment with the occult yourself?

Nichole: 10:47

I've always had an issue with repressing memories. I started that from as soon as the abuse started. I can remember being abused now and laying on the bed and looking at the ceiling and counting. And as I was counting, I was repressing. As a child, I didn't know that's what I was doing. So as a teenager, I started having flashbacks of a lot of this abuse. And some of it never went completely away. I was never able to suppress at all. But I started having some flashbacks of the ritualistic abuse and him being into the occult, and I got really curious. And so I went to the library and I checked out some books. One of the books I checked out was the Satanic Bible. I brought it home, and as soon as I brought it home I started experiencing things. I had already experienced like darkness, but this was a level that I had not experienced before I was inviting it into my life. And so I knew immediately I can't open that. I took it back and I never got it again. I never practiced witchcraft. I would have never practiced it, but I was curious about it. I was very, very drawn to horror movies, the movies with the occult in them, witchcraft, vampires, witches, all of that. I was very drawn to that and I didn't understand why. I was inviting it in because of what I was watching, but I didn't understand that at the time. I thought,"oh, I'm okay because I'm not practicing it."

Carol: 12:05

So you were starting to experience dark things and then you backed away from it. Were there any other events or experiences you had as a teenager that influenced you? What were your teenage years like?

Nichole: 12:20

As a child and a teenager, it was very difficult. I hated myself. I was incredibly shy. I had headaches. I had stomachaches. I did not fit in. I didn't have a big group of friends. I felt like everybody hated me, everybody was laughing at me. I just wanted to disappear. For most of my life, I just wanted to blend into the wall and disappear, and nobody see me. So I would go to school and if the teacher called on me, even if I knew the answer, I would be saying,"Oh, don't call on me. Don't call on me." And then, and I would say, I don't know even if I knew. I was such an underachiever. So I got married the first time at age 16, which was not unusual for my family. The women in my family got married very young. It was never on our radar to go to college and get a career. It was get married, have babies, and that's what you did in life. So I got married and the marriage was very, very violent. There was domestic violence probably within six weeks of getting married. I got pregnant after we got married and, probably, looking back, had postpartum depression. Depression, PTSD, and I was also in this violent marriage and I was at my wits end. In the meantime, my mom and stepdad were getting really faithful to their faith and they were in church and they were growing and they continued to ask me and my husband at the time to come to church. There was something in me that said, you know, there's nothing else that's gonna work like it it is God or nothing else. And I know now that was God pulling my heart. And so we decided, my husband at the time, decided to go to church. We set up an appointment to talk to the pastor and he talked to us for a while and we decided, yes, this is what we need to do. And so I surrendered my life to the Lord. I was living for the Lord. And I had a community of faith-filled believers. But I still never felt like I fit in. It was kind of like the same thing with my mom and my stepdad. It was like I was on the outside looking in. And if they really knew me, they wouldn't accept me, was the thought that I had. And I felt dirty and I felt ashamed and I still struggled with depression and I still struggled with all of the mental illness. But I did have a relationship with God. I started reading the Bible. I started studying the Bible. I started praying. I would hear the Lord's voice, and so there was peace in that.

Carol: 14:36

Oh my goodness. Such a young age to get married. I find it remarkable at that time that you were beginning a relationship with God as well. Can you tell us more about that? Were you on fire for Jesus?

Nichole: 14:48

I feel like at the very beginning, I was on fire for God. I was getting in the Word, I was devouring and I was going to Bible studies. But then my life wasn't changing. The depression wasn't changing. And because of that and my marriage, my ex-husband backslid, the violence started getting worse. It got way worse before I got out. And I think that I got my eyes off of the Lord and then my fire went out. I've had some ups and downs along the way.

Carol: 15:17

Yes, I understand the ups and downs, because you had a little glimmer of hope, didn't you, at that point?

Nichole: 15:24

Yes, I divorced my first husband and there was infidelity and a lot of different things. And I remarried. And once I remarried, that's when I went to college. I got my degree. But I could only practice for a little bit because I was so mentally damaged myself. I was in and out of therapy for myself. I always knew that I wanted to help people because I knew how bad I had suffered and I knew how difficult my life was, and therapy had never really helped me. But in my mind, I didn't know another way to help people, and so I thought the answer would be I become a therapist. And the Lord had been speaking to me about helping other people. And I would think, but Lord, I'm in such a mess. I can't, how can I help anybody else? I can't even help myself. But the only thing that kept coming back to me was, well, therapy'cause when you talk about mental illness, there is no other help in my mind. That's what I was thinking at the time. There is no other help. So it's what led me down that route to think I wanna help other people because I've had a heart for, especially, kids who've went through abuse. It did not turn out well because I had not healed, and so I wasn't able to practice very long.

Carol: 16:32

Let's return to when you said you experienced darkness. Can you describe these experiences? Did you have any understanding of what was happening?

Nichole: 16:41

So as a child, the way that it presented is I never felt alone. Even if I was in a room that was completely by myself, I felt like I had eyes watching me all the time. I couldn't physically see eyes, but I felt like someone was always standing behind me, breathing down the back of my neck. I would be in complete and utter terror. That's probably not even the right word. It goes deeper than terror. I could not sleep at night because as soon as the sun started going down, it started getting dark. I would have this overwhelming fear and terror overtake me. I would feel like somebody was watching me. I would have to sleep in bed, like with my grandma. I couldn't even sleep in a bed across the room from her. I couldn't be in a room alone by myself. I would feel like there was a presence in the room. I don't think I saw things as a child, but as a teenager, I definitely saw what looked like people walking through the rooms. It wasn't all the time, but I would see it. Sometimes they would look like full on people, like just walking through the room. I would see glimpses of what I called shadows. They looked like people, but like a person's shadow walking through the room. As a teenager, I would sometimes have my bed shaken. Well, that happened as an adult too. Like somebody would shake my bed. I would be laying there and there was nights like it would shake for hours. Like somebody was just in there shaking it on and on. I would hear clawing on my wall. I would hear people walking. I can trace it back to childhood for sure.

Carol: 18:02

So you were having terrifying experiences. How were these impacting you physically?

Nichole: 18:08

In my early twenties, I really started declining physically and mentally and emotionally. And I started getting further from God. I don't wanna say that I ever walked completely away from him, but I was not on fire for him at all. I wasn't fully submitted to him in any way, shape, or form. I got to the point where I did not understand why God wasn't setting me free. Because I knew he could."God, I know you can, but I don't know why you won't." So it was like he was withholding something from me and that caused some bitterness and some hurt and some rejection and some anger. It was a progression. It was, it was a definite progression. Um, my twenties and thirties were very difficult and it progressively, day by day, week by week, year by year, physically got worse. Mentally I was worse too, but physically I was gaining a ton of weight. At my highest. I was, I know I was way past 274 because I quit weighing myself. And so physically it was taking a heavy toll on my body and it progressively got worse and worse for sure. So around 2020, I was very physically sick. I was going back and forth to the Mayo Clinic. I had this really weird breathing issue going on that if I talked I would cough. And they couldn't really nail down what was going on. I'd been to tons of specialists for different diagnosis that I had over the years'cause I also had a lot of physical sickness.

Carol: 19:32

Did the COVID shutdown make your physical symptoms worse, do you think? Or your mental symptoms?

Nichole: 19:38

I had already had the lung issue before Covid hit, so I knew it wasn't Covid. Then the Mayo Clinic shut down. So I was having all these breathing issues and I couldn't even go to the doctor. Now fear definitely came in. It was a very scary time because it was the weirdest thing that I was experiencing. So, for example, if my husband decided to go put something in the oven one day, it could trigger it and I would feel like I was smothering and I couldn't breathe. And I would take a breathing treatment and an inhaler just to get it under control. There were times I would almost have to be rushed to the hospital because it was so bad. So I don't think that the shutdown had much to do with it, except that it did bring in more fear and I was just so tired. I already was not going out. I mean, I didn't have friends. I wasn't going out. I wasn't going around people. The only people that I visited was my mom and stepdad, and I would go stay at their house and spend a few days at their house. I was in such chronic pain that I couldn't even wear blue jeans. If somebody just touched me, I would scream in pain because it hurt so bad. I can remember when I would try to visit a church here and there. And, you know, at church, people want hug and it would hurt so bad. I felt like someone had just beat me and I would bruise. My skin hurt, my body hurt, my eyes hurt. I was just, to my wits end. I'm like, Lord, I cannot keep living like this physically or mentally. I also was being bombarded with thoughts of suicide. Over the years, that got worse and worse and worse. First it was a few whispers here and there. Then it was every single day, all day long,"Your family would be better if you were dead, you could just go be with Jesus and just go rest." And so it was all of it. I feel like mentally that I was almost at a breaking point. I don't feel like my body could have held out much longer, and I don't think that my mind could have held out much longer.

Carol: 21:22

So I hate to leave our story here, Nichole, but I think this might be a good time to pause. Thank you for sharing your journey this far. I know it's not been an easy one, and I know there's still a lot more to come. For instance, what was going on with your medical health and what were these dark experiences and how did you gain freedom from them? Friends, please be sure to join us next time because there's a tremendous amount of Nichole's journey left to share, especially her transformation from lukewarm to on fire for Jesus. And if you would like to become involved in our movement either to tell your story, or to support us, either financially or by liking and sharing this podcast, please be sure to visit our website to learn how. And, in the meantime, friends, remember God is good.

Nichole: From Darkness to Light (Part 2)
Season 1: Episode 14

Carol: 0:10

Welcome to the God Is Good podcast, where we share stories of everyday people who have reignited their faith in Jesus and experienced remarkable life transformations. My name is Carol O'Brien, and I'm your host for this podcast. And welcome to today's episode. This is part two of Nichole's story. If you haven't listened to the first episode, stop where you are and go back and listen. It'll give you the context for the rest of the story. Also, because I think it's fitting, we'll open with a prayer this time rather than a scripture. Be sure to listen to the end to hear more about the prayer to St. Michael the Archangel. Saint Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle. Be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil. May God rebuke him, we humbly pray, and do thou, Oh Prince of the heavenly hosts, by the power of God, thrust into hell Satan, and all the evil spirits, who prowl about the world seeking the ruin of souls. Amen. Now, let's pick up on Nichole's story from where we left off in the last episode.

Nichole: 1:20

I also was being bombarded with thoughts of suicide. Over the years, that got worse and worse and worse. First it was a few whispers here and there. Then it was every single day, all day long,"Your family would be better if you were dead, you could just go be with Jesus and just go rest." And so it was all of it. I feel like mentally that I was almost at a breaking point. I don't feel like my body could have held out much longer, and I don't think that my mind could have held out much longer.

Carol: 1:48

So this was May of 2020 where you had gotten to your, we'd call it a breaking point where you couldn't hold out much longer. And before that though, you had been really striving to find a solution, like mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally. You were really working hard, weren't you at that point to figure out what was going on?

Nichole: 2:10

Absolutely. Physically, I had been to I couldn't even tell you the number of specialists, and I had so many different diagnoses of like autoimmune disease, chronic inflammation, things that they would say would never be cured. Hashimoto's thyroid disease, chronic allergies, chronic sinus infections, that I had a surgery and it messed some things up and that wouldn't be fixed. And allergies. All, just all of these things that the doctors would say, no hope, no cure. Just get the best quality of life that you can. Then I went to the natural side where I went to naturopathic doctors and I did all the supplements. None of that helped. So I think by that time of my life, I'm like, I've tried everything. I have tried it all. There is nothing left that I can try. And unless God heals me, I, I'm just not gonna make it. So at that point, I chased ministries. There were different healing ministries and people would say, oh, if you can just get prayed over by this person, I know you'll be well, you just gotta get to the service. I would get to the service, I would get prayed for... nothing. I went to the point of I was no longer chasing my healer. I was chasing my healing. And I really didn't care how it came. Now, I wouldn't have went to a new age doctor or anything at all like that, but I didn't care if my healing came in the form of a pill, in the form of a surgery. I didn't care. So that physically was where I was at.

Carol: 3:31

That must have been so frustrating knowing that there's something wrong, but you can't figure it out. and nobody can help you at that point. So what was that doing to you mentally?

Nichole: 3:40

Mentally, I was at my breaking point because I was tired. I was so extremely tired of the fight. I lived in bitterness, anger, regret. My relationships were broken. They were strained at best. Some of them were just utterly broken. I was a miserable, nasty, ugly, hateful person. I was wrapped in pity and self. So that was mentally where I was at. And then spiritually, I had walls built up between God and me that were so thick that I, I wouldn't even say I kept him at arms distance. I kept him at miles distance because I didn't understand why he wasn't moving in my life. And I was so hurt, and so I felt alone and lost and abandoned. That's pretty much where I was in May of 2020.

Carol: 4:31

I know you had a husband and a son in your life that loved you deeply. How difficult was this for them to see you like you were in May of 2020?

Nichole: 4:42

I had become very angry and very manipulative and very controlling. And so I think that it was hard for them to see me sick, but it was also hard for them to just be around me because I wasn't a kind person. I wasn't loving, I wasn't nurturing. I wasn't fun to be around. I would emotionally vomit all over them. I would attack them with my words. The voices in my head would convince me that they were my enemy and that they were out to get me, and that they didn't love me and that they were abusing me. Even my son. My son was an adult by this time, but the voices in my head would tell me that they were just out to get me and hurt me. And so I would look at them in an aggressive way and I would push them away and I didn't want anything to do with them. And so, just being who I was was very difficult for them to be around. My husband, I turned into an abuser toward him. I called him names and I was very, um, hurtful toward him. I allowed the enemy to use me to abuse him, and I did the same thing to my son.

Carol: 5:45

I can see that it's really hard for you to relive those moments and to admit that about yourself. I can just imagine the depths of frustration and desperation, the depths of despair that you were feeling at that point. You had tried everything and you even turned to God and he didn't answer you in the way that you were hoping for. I know that something happened at this point that changed your life. Can you tell us about this?

Nichole: 6:11

Yeah. My son messaged me. He told me that there was a minister that he thought I should take a listen to, and I was like, okay. And I listened to it and he was talking about spiritual warfare and deliverance. And I knew. Like a light came on me and I'm like, I need that.

Carol: 6:26

So in that one moment, after everything that you've tried, all the spiritual, all the mental, all the physical things that you tried in that moment, it was something that just hit you and you knew. So tell us what that realization was like. What did you realize was happening to you?

Nichole: 6:44

So in the moment I would've said health, mental, and on the spiritual side, I was demonically tormented. Prior to getting saved, I thought it was ghost. But I had been told by my biological dad, he was grooming me to have the power that he had and that I would see things and know things. So there was that. And I thought that I could see ghost and things like that. After I got saved, then I understood, oh, that's demons. So I never went through a time in my life even as a Christian when there weren't demons around me, like I heard them, I felt them. Now, the witchcraft definitely caused a lot of open doors. And then I caused issues in my own life as well. I had unforgiveness. I was watching things on TV I shouldn't have been watching about witchcraft and the occult. I participated in holidays that I shouldn't have participated in. I was very critical. I was manipulative, I was living in rebellion, so I caused a lot of my own issues as well.

Carol: 7:38

Now I am someone who believes in spiritual warfare and deliverance ministry. And I often pray St. Michael's prayer to help rid the world of those evil spirits who are prowling about trying to ruin souls. But how did you so readily believe that you had demons around you?

Nichole: 7:57

I seen them. I mean, it wasn't like every single day I'm seeing something. Well, most days I probably was tormented by dreams and those types of things, and I didn't know what to do with it. I didn't know how to make it stop. So that was one part. That harassment was horrific because I had it all the time and I had no idea how to make it stop. It's hard to describe, but it's almost like when you walk into a room and there's already conversations going on. That's how my mind was all the time. Even if I couldn't pick up on every single thing they were saying. I could hear that. All the time. I would, when I was in college, going to school just so I could study, I would have to turn the TV on to try to drown out some of that so I could concentrate on reading a book. My mom used to say, I don't know how you read with the TV on. And in my mind I'm thinking, well, how else do you drown out noise? Like, because the noise was inside my head.

Carol: 8:47

So you said something that sparked a question and I'm not sure how you'll feel about this, but if you don't wanna answer it, that's fine. Do you think your biological father was possessed? Is that what caused him some of the issues that he had and, and actions that he did?

Nichole: 9:02

I think he was straight up possessed. I think he had many, many demons. Um, there was a time in his life when I, I don't know when they came in, and I don't know what caused them to come in. I don't really know. I. I mean, I know he was spoiled. I know he was favored. I know that he had everything done for him. Like I know those issues were in his life, but I don't know what opened the door to everything. I think the deep witchcraft he was in--some of the things that he bragged about doing, you don't walk away from without being possessed and you don't do without being possessed. I mean, he did some very heinous acts like sexual abuse was just the tip of the iceberg for the things that he said he did. I don't know everything that he did, but from the things that he has said, he's, he had done, uh, you don't walk away from without being possessed.

Carol: 9:50

Did he ever go through deliverance?

Nichole: 9:52

No. To my knowledge, he never called upon the name of the Lord. When he was on his deathbed, my aunt was there and she said that he was cussing and screaming and yelling and very, very angry. And then he passed away within 20 minutes.

Carol: 10:10

Wow. That's equal parts scary and sad. Um, but let's get back to your healing. So what did you do after you heard that minister and realized that all the sights, sounds, constant noise in your head and the physical, emotional, spiritual harassment all was coming from being surrounded by demons?

Nichole: 10:32

I reached out to that minister and said, Hey, do you have any resources that I could read and learn about some of this stuff? I said,'cause I don't know anything about spiritual warfare. And he gave me a couple of books and I had set them on the shelf. And then the Lord spoke to my heart and he said, set aside a week for fasting and prayer for your healing No matter what the Lord, said to do, I was gonna do it because I knew I was at my, I literally think I was at my end. I said, okay, Lord, I'll do that. I don't think I would be sitting here today had I not went through that process with God. I just don't feel like my body could take anymore. And so I was ready, ready to do anything. And so I posted on social media that I was gonna set aside that week for prayer and fasting and that if anybody would pray with me, I would appreciate it. And the outpouring of people that commented and messaged me and sent me scriptures and sent me cards, it was just phenomenal. And, and knowing now, like looking back, I know that was God. Pouring his love out on me and showing me, not only did he love me, but that people loved me and, and he's just good. He's just good.

Carol: 11:38

It's like you needed the fortitude. He knew what you were just about to go through, and you needed that strength coming from the outside, pouring in.

Nichole: 11:48

Absolutely. And so then he said, call and have your mom and dad come over and pray for you. And I said, Lord, they live two hours away. I don't wanna do that. Will you please tell them if, if they're supposed to, will you tell them? And then my mom messaged me and she said, I feel like we're supposed to come pray for you during that week. And I said, okay. Yeah, I think so too. And so we set up that time and the Lord then started leading me through deep, deep repentance. He was showing me how I had allowed the enemy to turn me into an emotional abuser, like the thing I hated most. I hated abuse more than anything. But I had allowed the enemy to turn me into what I hated most. And he began to show me how I had allowed the abuse to become part of my identity and part of who I was. But I so identified with the abuse that it's that identity, and I had become an abuse victim, an abuse survivor. I wore it like a badge of honor, and it just seeped into every part of my being. He showed me some of the things that I had done and said to my son and the ways that I had hurt him, and my husband, and my family, and some of the lies I have believed. He walked me through letting go of the past and the pain and the hurt. And I thought that I had forgiven my biological dad. And God spoke to me and said, you did not honor your father. And it was like a smack across the face. And I'm like, yeah, but Lord, you've seen everything he did to me. How could I honor him? And then I calmed down and I'm like, okay, Lord. Yeah. Yeah. How did I not honor him? And he started showing me my heart and how I literally did not care if my biological dad went to heaven or hell. He, he was deceased at that time. And it never once crossed my mind of, oh, I wonder if he could have been saved, if he could have went to heaven? Or, I didn't care. And to not care about a lost soul, that that's bad. Like that's not okay. And that, that was my heart, and he was showing me that. And so I prayed through that and so many different other things.

Carol: 13:53

So let's just take a pause here quick and relay that a lot of churches request that lay people don't do deliverance ministry for a lot of different reasons, but one in particular is because it's very dangerous. We're dealing with dangerous entities here, and so it's not that every lay person is equipped to be able to do this. However, in your situation there was such desperation and you also felt a calling from God to have your parents come and pray for you. So what happened when your stepdad, whom you called dad, prayed over you?

Nichole: 14:32

Yeah. My parents came and my dad prayed over me and spoke over me and commanded every unclean spirit to leave me. It took about four and a half hours, but between 40 and 65 demons left. And on the other side of that, after four and a half hours, coming out of that, I had zero mental illness. Not one, I didn't have one trigger of PTSD. I didn't have one voice in my head. I didn't have depression. I would say there's still a few physical illnesses that I am continuing to stand by faith for complete and total healing for, but nothing like, like none of the coughing, none of the lung issues, none of those things. Like I'm out and I'm about, I'm helping with my grandson. I'm out doing life. I'm doing ministry. So nothing at all like it was, at all.

Carol: 15:23

That's really amazing. Of course, that does spark a lot of questions here. So the first question I have is how did your stepdad, your dad, how did he know how to do deliverance ministry? As I said before, it's not something that every lay person should get involved with or even wants to get involved with, but he did for you. And so I'm curious how he knew how to go about doing that?

Nichole: 15:50

No, I get what you're saying. Yeah, that's a really interesting thing. So as I'd said, I didn't know much about spiritual warfare at all. We had never been around deliverance ministry. We'd never been around like casting out demons and, and that type of thing. So I had sent him a little bit of information. Just about like verbally command him to go in the name of Jesus, just like Jesus did. And so when he came in, that's what we were gonna do. So going into this, we had no idea. Did I maybe have like one or two demons and then I needed physical healing? We had no idea what was what. So we walk in and four and a half hours later we went through deliverance Ministry 101. Like the Lord taught us so much just during that four and a half hours. God did the entire thing. Because we had basically no idea what we were doing and my dad I think that he was at a point in his life that he would've done anything, like whatever. He was signed up, he was ready to go for anything. He may not know what it's gonna look like, but he was in for it, like he he was in. And so we just had to really be led by God because we did not know what we were doing. So there were just different things that the Lord showed him at one point. And this doesn't always happen like it does sometimes, but at one point the Lord showed him that there was a demon holding a pouch, and in that pouch was the seeds to my life. And that was very metaphorically speaking like symbolically, because everything in my life-- nothing would grow, nothing would prosper. My health, my mental health, my relationships, my job, my finances, nothing. And this demon was holding it. And so my dad just says, in the name of Jesus Christ, I command you to release the seeds to her life. And it's done. And so like the Lord would just show him different things. There was one demon that would not leave like he was just commanding and commanding and it would not go. And the Lord spoke to me and said, you've accepted it as part of your identity. You have to break identity with it. Now, that wasn't God's exact words, but that's what he was showing me. And so I told it, I'm not part of you and you're not part of me. And I uh, take back your invitation. You have to go in the name of Jesus and then it left. There was one that, uh, also did not want, not want, none of'em wanna go, but there was one that was very, very stubborn and it said she's mine. Her dad dedicated her to me. And, it said that I had been dedicated to it through a blood ritual. And so the Holy Spirit lays on my dad's heart to say, well, there's nothing stronger than the blood of Jesus. And through the blood of Jesus, we cancel out that ritual and you have to go. And so the Lord just gave him the words.'cause we would not have had any of this. I like, we would've had none of this vocabulary. We had no frame of reference. We would just not have known what to do. Against any of this stuff, and it was just the Lord walking us through every single. Thing at every step of the way. I feel like we had like a bare bones PowerPoint going in and coming out, like, we're ready to write a manual because the Lord just, I mean, he just was good. He walked us through. That's the only thing I can say. He walked us through every step of the way and it was very, very intense and we learned so much during the session.

Carol: 19:00

I love it so much that your dad would do anything for you. So you got out of that four hour session and you said that your parents had to go home, so they weren't even there to celebrate with you. So tell us about what happened right after that four and a half hour session.

Nichole: 19:16

So my husband was at work. This happened while he was at work'cause back then I didn't care if I included him really in any part of my life. Um, he was at work and they left. And I think, I just remember just sitting on the couch like."What just happened?" And I remember one of the first things that I did notice was that my mind was silent and I had never had my mind silent before. So that was one of the first things I noticed. And then, my husband came home and there was just this deep, deep sadness'cause of how I had treated him because the Lord had shown me so much. And when he came home, it was very important for me to repent and I wanted to do that in prayer. Like it, it was the idea of us going before God and me telling my husband how sorry I was, and then committing to him before God, that that person's dead. There was a very real sense in me that that person was dead and gone and I would never be that person again. There's, there was no going back because she was buried, she was dead, she was gone. And I felt the joy of the Lord for the first time. Like I never felt his joy like that. I'd had joyful moments, but I never had his abiding joy. So there were a lot of changes. Um, lots and lots of changes. Also, I had patterns that were in me for a very long time. Patterns of anger, patterns of just saying whatever I wanted to say and, and saying, you know, that I'm just bold and I, I just speak truth. But really what it was is I was hurtful and mean. And so those patterns had to break and those had to change. And just really learning to walk in the identity of Christ and the authority of Christ in submission to God. Like I saw a picture of of my biological dad as a child, and I actually shed a tear. And for the first time in my entire life, I felt compassion for him. I remember thinking, I wonder what caused you to be the way that you were. And I'd never thought that way about him. And then I realized, oh, I've completely forgiven.

Carol: 21:15

Hmm. So let's fast forward, how is your relationship with your husband and son now?

Nichole: 21:21

So my husband and I have connected on a level that we never even began to, prior to this. Our marriage is completely 100% different. We've connected on deeper levels than we ever have. We love each other with a love of God, like the first Corinthians love. Before when we first got married, we had that passion. Now we have the abiding love that we're called to have for one another that is gentle and kind and, and giving and where it needs to be. With my son, um, it's been a work in progress because I did a lot of damage and I caused a lot of hurt and I caused a lot of pain. We are doing better than we ever have. It took him a while, I think, to make sure that I wasn't gonna slip back into being who I used to be. There was a lot of testing there to see, is she really different? Is she really changed? I think now he realizes I'm never going back to who I was, but there's still a lot of hurt in him that he's trying to heal through his life now.

Carol: 22:27

Yeah. So what have you done with this newfound passion of yours or your newfound life?

Nichole: 22:34

I feel like a lot. I feel like I am shoving 20 years of living into the last five years. And all glory to God, I've not done anything. God's done at all. But where he's taken me with it is ministry. That's one thing. I have a heart for people to see people walk in freedom and to heal. And so I do a lot of teaching. I enjoy that. I have a grandson. I have another one on the way. Any day he'll be here. So we have a a 13 month old and then his little brother is due any day. And so just being able to enjoy those relationships because the person who I was before, I would've never been invited to be grandma to the kids. And so I don't take that for granted at all. And so now my life, I just try to revolve it around my answer's. Yes, Lord, whatever your, whatever you say my answer's yes.

Carol: 23:24

And you've written three books. Where can people get your books?

Nichole: 23:28

If you go on Amazon and search Nichole Henson and Deliverance, they'll all pop up. You can reach me at Fullness of Joy ministry@gmail.com. I also have a website, fullness of joy ministry.com, our YouTube is Nichole Henson, and then on Facebook is Fullness of Joy Ministry or Nichole Henson. A lot of times people have questions and they message me and I try to do the best I can to guide them to the Lord and and answer questions and teach as much as I can.

Carol: 23:55

If someone is struggling and is going through some of the things that you mentioned in your life, how would you help them?

Nichole: 24:03

So the first thing that I would say is don't give up. Don't give up on God. I would encourage you to not lose hope and don't allow your circumstances and your past to change the way you see God. I spent a lifetime of viewing God through the lens of my abuse, and one of the things he taught me was to flip that. We need to view God through the lens of his word. He is who he says he is, so I would encourage you to get grounded in your faith and reach out for help. You can reach out to me. There's a lot of other people you can reach out to. Don't go it alone. Don't let yourself get isolated. Don't let the enemy isolate you. Go to your church. Go to your leaders. Every church has a pastor or a priest, or a counselor or a group that you can connect with. Don't go it by yourself. There is hope. Don't go it alone.

Carol: 24:54

Thank you so much for sharing your story, Nichole. I am sure it's going to move at least one heart towards Jesus.

Nichole: 25:01

Amen. And it's worth it. That's another reason why I'm super emotional, because this time of year I just get like reflective. The 24th of this month is my five year anniversary, and whenever I first went through deliverance, I said, Lord, if telling my story will help just one person, it's worth it. And then you say that and I'm like,"oh Lord, that's so you."

Carol: 25:23

It's so true. Well, thank you again, Nicole, for sharing your story. I agree with you wholeheartedly on not going through suffering alone. If you, our listeners, would like more information about deliverance ministry, I encourage you to speak with your priest, pastor, diocese, or spiritual director. And as I mentioned in the beginning, there's a story behind the prayer to St. Michael, the Archangel, sometimes called the exorcism prayer, not to be confused with our current pope. Pope Leo the 13th in 1886 wrote and requested the faithful pray what is today called the Prayer to St. Michael. It is believed that Pope Leo wrote this prayer following a demonic vision while he was celebrating the Holy Mass. Based on the account in the book of Revelation, St. Michael the Archangel is known as a powerful intercession against evil. While the prayer is sometimes called the exorcism prayer, it is not typically used in formal exorcisms, but rather for prayer by the clergy and lay people. Thank you again for joining us on this two part episode. We appreciate you liking, sharing, subscribing, and following our podcast. That helps us move more hearts towards Jesus. We look forward to you joining us next time as well. In the meantime, remember, God is good.